Anger

It may be useful to acknowledge the emotion of anger as it is often misunderstood. Many people come to therapy believing that anger is something to get rid of, suppress, or control as it may seem socially unacceptable. One can be concerned that it may get out of hand or that others will reject them. 

In reality, anger is a healthy and natural emotional response. Like all emotions, it has a purpose and a function. Anger can be an indication that something significant has happened, that a boundary has been crossed, a past trauma has been triggered, or to show others that we have been affected emotionally in some way.

When we experience anger, the underlying aim is usually to communicate how we are feeling in the moment and how something has affected us. It is a signal that a part of us needs to be heard. It is also useful to acknowledge that anger is a secondary emotion expressing discomfort, and it possibly aims to cover up the initial emotion as that could make us feel more vulnerable and exposed than anger. So, in therapy, particularly anger therapy, we often explore what lies beneath the anger, such as hurt, fear, sadness, disappointment, or feeling unseen. When anger is expressed safely and honestly, it can help us understand ourself on a deeper level, develop the language to express our emotions more authentically and invite others to understand how we feel.

Aggression

Aggression, however, is different to anger. While anger is about expressing how we feel, aggression is about trying to have an effect on someone else. This might look like shouting, blaming, intimidating, or acting out physically or emotionally. Aggression can arise when we feel overwhelmed or powerless, and when we believe that the only way for someone else to understand our pain is for them to feel it too.

It is important to note here that often aggression may not be a conscious attempt to make the other person feel the same way. It may be an automatic reaction, an embodied response rooted in overwhelm or threat. From that perspective, aggression can be understood as anger influenced by the activation of the sympathetic system, i.e., fight response, (please read the blog entry on Trauma Responses). The intention to impact may not be explicit, but the effect may still function and felt as an attack by the person being shouted at.

In this sense, aggression can be understood as a form of communication, which has become distorted. Instead of sharing our experience, we attempt to transfer it. We may assume that empathy can only come through impact: “If you feel what I feel, then you’ll understand.” Unfortunately, this often leads to further disconnection, and we may end up feeling guilt and ashamed regarding our behaviour. Also, the other person may feel scared, surprised and overwhelmed and may try to protect themselves by moving away, something that reinforces our initial feeling of been rejected rather than feeling understood and connected.

In therapy for anger and aggression, we slow this process down. We create space to explore what the anger is trying to communicate, which part of us it may protect, what it is responding to, and how it can be expressed without harm. Therapy can help us develop emotional awareness, healthier boundaries, and new ways of communicating our needs, without losing control or making others feel uncomfortable. 

Important note: While aggression may arise from unmet emotional needs, it can still cause harm to the person receiving it. If you feel that your physical, emotional, or psychological boundary is crossed, it is important to take the impact seriously and seek support, particularly where safety, wellbeing, or self-worth are affected.